the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
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Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize