Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
