Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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