omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
