im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
