I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Acid is not a monday night drug
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
