They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We need to get me chipped asap
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
