No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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