FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
