My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
