I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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