He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
