After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
