Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
