So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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