Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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