lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
