I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
