and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
