did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Found your dick twin last night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
