beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
