i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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