he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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