I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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