i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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