this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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