Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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