obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
