guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
