My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
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I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
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DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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