Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i think my tv is drunk
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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