Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
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