I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I didn't notice because vodka
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
