My friends, they love my intelligence
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
