i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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