When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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