On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
