I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
