I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
