the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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