oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
