I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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