If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
