no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
