Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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