just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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