Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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