What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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