The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I intend to get homeless drunk
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
