The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
