Moan for me like Helen Keller
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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