I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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