I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
