So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
