I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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