i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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