I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
