Christians are straight up FREAKS
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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