Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
